I have put off writing this post for several months. In fact, I wasn't sure why I even had a blog anymore because I was having trouble with the idea of it being called "Blessings". You see, when I first started this blog I had the biggest, most precious blessing of all growing inside me. I loved filling up my posts with adorable pictures of my daughter for family and friends to see and writing about all the joy she brought me. I had never been happier in my entire life - so it was pretty easy to see my blessings.
What about when it's not easy to see the blessings? Or when the circumstances of life seem to be wearing me down more and more every month? Can I still say, that I'm blessed? Or that God is good? It drives me crazy when I say "God is so good!" when something wonderful is going on in my life, because you almost never see me say that when things are not going so well. But, can we really have one without the other?
You can read just about any story in the bible and almost every single one has a mixture of both suffering and joy. Somehow, no matter what, the "heroes" of the bible never lost hope in the midst of their trials. They still said, "God is good". I call them "heroes" because they are the ones we hear most about: Abraham, Jacob, Moses, David, Paul and so on. Actually, they were just normal people like you and I. What made them so extraordinary was that they all followed God, no matter what He asked of them.
So, is it possible that I'm just a normal person that God has asked to follow Him, even in the midst of all this suffering we have had? Of course! Honestly, up until this point it has been pretty easy for me to seek God and His will for me - because it seemed to be a win-win for both of us. Secondary infertility and the loss of two babies has tested my faith like nothing else in the world. Not that I stopped believing in Him, I just had a really hard time believing this was best for me. Why did He take my babies? Especially when everyone else seems to have no trouble getting pregnant and getting to take their babies home. And especially after losing August.
Having Savannah Kate truly taught me the depth of God's love and the sacrifice he had to make for me by giving his only son. Reading stories such as Abraham taking Issac to the mountain (Gen 22:1-19) make me so upset because I could never imagine being asked to sacrifice my only child, especially when that child had been promised. Abraham had to wait 100 years to see that promise fulfilled and now God was asking him to kill his son? That's crazy!! Luckily, because Abraham was faithful God gave him a ram to use as a sacrifice instead and Abraham took Issac home. There is so much to learn from Abraham's story. Hadn't he already been through enough? In my opinion, he had enough several chapters before this happened. Through every ordeal that Abraham goes through, there is a common thread to the story. He remains faithful, saying that "God is good" and God promises blessings.
Okay, so I know that I can't have one without the other. This is part of being a Christ follower. We are not promised that everything will always be hunky dory and that I'll always have the best, most positive facebook posts because of how great my life is. But what I can do is: remain faithful, say that God is good (even though we are hurting right now), talk about my experience in hopes of encouraging someone else and remember to thank Him. How can I be mad at God if I'm always thanking him?
I'm not always full of hope, but it's still there somewhere. I'm learning that its okay to have imperfect progress (thanks to "Unglued" by Lysa Terkeurst). God is asking me to wait right now and to trust Him. So, I'm gradually drawing nearer to Him. I was blessed this month to have a bible study to join that is for women going through infertility. Never thought I would be where I am right now, but it's so incredibly helpful to know that I'm not alone, that we can all share in our struggles together and pray for each other.
I have a lot to be thankful for. If you have been on this journey with me, I thank you for all the prayers and for putting up with me during all the emotional ups and downs. If you don't know all the details, I plan to do a follow up post with all the facts and where we are now. I'm sure like many of you, I've read this verse thousands of times, but now it's like I'm reading it for the first time and I'm reminded of how good God really is.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declare the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11