Monday, July 15, 2013

2013 - Where We Are Now

2013 has not been our best year.  Here is where we've been so far this year and where we are now.  Hopefully, this explains why I haven't been blogging much. 

It started off with an ambulance ride on January 11th to the ER with Savannah Kate.  She'd had a febrile seizure while I was rocking her to sleep.  It was the scariest few minutes of my life as it seemed that she wasn't breathing or responding to us.  I'm not even going to go into all the details because I hope those memories will somehow be erased from my brain overtime.  Hunter's parents were here with us when it happened and I know they'll never be able to forget how awful that night was either.

The very next morning, we moved next door into our new house.  I had stayed up most of the night with Savannah Kate as she still had a high fever, so honestly, I could have cared less about getting a new house that day.  I was too worried about SK.  Luckily her fever went back down within a couple days.  I remember praying that God wouldn't give us any more burdens right now because I was so overwhelmed with SK's fevers (terrified it would happen again), trying to get settled into the new house, it had just been the one year anniversary of losing August and I had a sinus infection. 

So, I did what any girl would do and call my mom to come and help out for a couple days.  The morning after she arrived, less than 2 weeks after the seizure, SK fell on the playground at Mother's Day Out and busted her head open.  She had only been there for 45 minutes!  After seeing how bad the cut was, we decided to take her to a plastic surgeon since the cut was on her forehead and we didn't want her to have to deal with an ugly scar on her face for the rest of her life.  The surgeon said the cut was so deep that it was through the muscle, almost to her skull.  The cut had to be stitched from the inside out.  Savannah Kate cried so hard that she actually put herself to sleep.  I could hear her screaming from the waiting room and I just felt so helpless.  It was another horrible day for Savannah Kate.  Now, I was begging God for nothing else bad to happen.  I needed a break.  5 days later, I found out I was pregnant.  Finally some good news!  But sadly our extreme joy didn't last long, because we found out the next day that it was just a chemical pregnancy.

When I didn't get pregnant in January, we were advised to start taking Follistm shots with the Clomid, since we had tried Clomid for 3 months unsuccessfully so far.  I couldn't believe I was having to give myself shots to get pregnant.  I'm only 30 years old!  And there didn't seem to be anything to blame for why I had miscarried and why I couldn't conceive now.

Out of the clear blue, on February 19th, SK pointed to my stomach and said "Mommy has a baby in there".  It was too soon for me to take a test that month, but it just seemed crazy, like she knew something I didn't.  The craziest thing about it is that we had never talked to her about babies, that they are in mommy's bellies or that we were wanting to have one. 

My grandmother and last living grandparent, passed away on February 23rd.  She had dementia and we knew her time was coming, but it was still very difficult.  We drove to Murfreesboro, AR to stay at her house with my family for the funeral.  It was so strange being in her house without Mammaw there.  As hard as it was, we all took comfort in knowing that she was no longer in pain and living in heaven.  I'll always think of her as a Proverbs 31 kind of woman :)
Mammaw with SK at 5 months

The day after the funeral, on February 27th, we found out that Savannah Kate was right - I was pregnant!  We were so excited.  Finally some good news!  We had lost August at 8 weeks, so I was pretty much a nervous wreck until after that 8 week sonogram.  By now, I had 2 sonograms that showed a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat.  I was able to start to relax.  Maybe even enjoy this pregnancy, we even started picking out names.  I was so happy that the "desert" season (which is how I remember much of 2012) I had been through seemed to finally be over.  I was released back to my regular OB for the sonogram at 10 weeks. 

On April 9, all three of us went to my OB's office for the 10 week sonogram.  I was excited for Savannah Kate to get to see the baby on the screen.  She had been talking about her so much (SK also said it was a girl).  I never even thought about the possibility that this could happen again.  We were already in the clear right?  After a couple minutes of my doctor's silence, I knew.  She was trying to hold back the tears as much as I was.  Then Savannah Kate started crying as if she knew too.  It was just an awful experience.  While Hunter took SK out to try and console her, I was left alone to schedule a D&C after getting a second confirmation of no heartbeat. 

Two days later, I went in for surgery.  I remember crying just before getting the anesthesia and crying again as soon as I woke up.  It was so hard to be in that hospital again, on the same floor where I had given birth to Savannah Kate.  Where we had made so many wonderful memories before.  But this time, I couldn't take our baby home with us.  I wasn't mad at God, I just remember being so incredibly sad.  It had taken us over a year to get pregnant, so I just couldn't believe we were going to have to start completely over.

We found out several weeks later that our baby was a little girl.  SK was right again!  She was tested, and was found to have no chromosome abnormalities.  That had been a possible cause for the miscarriage, so we were able to rule it out.  We decided to name her April, because that is when she became an angel.  I try to picture what she would have looked liked all the time.  I picture how Savannah Kate would have loved to hold her and kiss on her baby sister.  And gently pat her on the back like she does with her baby dolls.  We wanted April more than anything, but mostly so that SK would have a sibling to share her life with.

Since then I've spent a lot of time recovering, both physically and emotionally.  I've had some blood tests done trying to find a cause for the miscarriages and one test revealed that I have MTHFR (Methylenetetrahydrofolate Reductase) gene mutation.  I have one copy of the C667T variant, which means that my body doesn't process folic acid in the way that it should and it has increased my homocysteine levels.  Recurrent pregnancy loss has been linked to having MTHFR and elevated homocysteine levels.  Apparently there are studies that support that they are linked and others that show that they are not linked to miscarriages.  So, it's not a definite answer to why this happened, but it's all we have right now.  I'm taking extra folic acid and baby aspirin daily.  If and when we do get pregnant, I'll also have to take heparin blood thinner shots through the first trimester.

Next month, I'm having an HSG test which is an x-ray test that examines the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes.  I'll also be starting Clomid and Follistm shots once again. 

I know that this post is sad and focuses only on the bad things that have happened to us this year.  But please know that focusing on the negative is NOT what we are doing, that is what Satan wants.  Multiple times in the middle of the day I've asked Satan to go away from my thoughts!  And I think it's working.  Yes, we've had a terrible year so far, but we are not broken.  We've had so many great things happen as well.  We took a couple trips, Hunter threw me a surprise 30th birthday party (and I was completely surprised), we've seen answered prayer with Hunter's career and we moved into a house that we love!  We've learned so much about God and about ourselves during this time.  I've never had the desire to read and memorize scripture in the way that I do now, although I've pretty much always been a believer.  I've never felt so desperate to pray, sing and listen to sermons to get every once of knowledge that I can.  I've never understood what it was to totally rely on the Lord. 

This verse has been hanging up in my bathroom for 7 months and I read it every single day.  And every single day, I choose to wait for Him and place my hope in Him.

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."  The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him.  Lamentations 3:22-25