You Do Your Part, God Will Do His

Speaking of miracles, you must listen to this sermon.  It's only 13 minutes and it's awesome.  God does not delay in His miracles!  It's from The Brooklyn Tabernacle and given by Tim Dilena.  Thank you Caroline for sending me this sermon and for introducing me to Pastor Tim!

http://www.brooklyntabernacle.org//media/sermons/1108

Also, if you are going through infertility, pregnancy loss or just want to read an inspiring blog, please go to http://in-due-time.com.  Caroline leads the infertility group that I'm in (now called Mom's In The Making).  She has a passion for encouraging others that are going through this journey and teaching us to speak LIFE over our bodies using God's truths.  She also has links to more amazing sermons and great weekly memory verses. 

A Miracle

I'm learning a lot about miracles.  Not only how they happened in the bible days, but how they continue to happen everyday - we just don't always recognize them.  I was at the Women of Faith Conference last weekend with my mom (it was awesome!) and one of the speakers, Christine Caine, spoke about the miracle of the feeding of the 5,000.  Yes, we've all heard this story hundreds of times, but I seemed to understand it in a whole new way this time.  The passage is from Mark 6:30-44. 

Jesus asked the disciples to feed the crowd that had been listening to his teachings.  They immediately exclaimed that it was an impossible task - it would take 8 months of wages!  So Jesus tells them to gather any food they could find among the 5,000 men that were in the crowd.  All they could find was 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish.  Well that's not enough!  Isn't that what our reaction would be?  I love how Christine said it by calling it our "not enough".  Then she asked the question, "What do we usually do with our not enough?  Curse it, but ask God to bless it."  Wow, that cut me to the core.  That is exactly what I do with my "not enough".  It's not enough and that's how I treat it.  Jesus took the not enough food and did what?  Gave THANKS for it!  Certainly would not have been my first choice of words.  He gave thanks for what little he had and then here is the most important part:  he broke the bread.  Normally, I would have just read right over that verse, but Christine pointed out that the miracle didn't come UNTIL the bread was broken.  Jesus didn't have to do this, he could have just snapped his fingers and made bread come from nothing.  But He wanted to show that even our not enough is more than enough for Him.  He can take our broken and not enough pieces and give us beautiful miracles.

Brokenness.  Maybe we too have to be broken before our eyes are open to seeing a miracle take place.  Christine stated that in a world where we believe we can do everything ourselves, God says "I'm going to wait until you absolutely know you couldn't have done this on your own".  And that may require brokenness.

Brokenness sets the stage for a miracle.  I learned that first hand as I have recently been blessed by a miracle.  I know that had I not been where I was, I wouldn't have absolutely known that this came from God and ONLY from God.  It's a miracle that I'll get to share with my family for years to come.

A baby BOY is on the way!

 



 

More details in my next post!

 

2013 - Where We Are Now

2013 has not been our best year.  Here is where we've been so far this year and where we are now.  Hopefully, this explains why I haven't been blogging much. 

It started off with an ambulance ride on January 11th to the ER with Savannah Kate.  She'd had a febrile seizure while I was rocking her to sleep.  It was the scariest few minutes of my life as it seemed that she wasn't breathing or responding to us.  I'm not even going to go into all the details because I hope those memories will somehow be erased from my brain overtime.  Hunter's parents were here with us when it happened and I know they'll never be able to forget how awful that night was either.

The very next morning, we moved next door into our new house.  I had stayed up most of the night with Savannah Kate as she still had a high fever, so honestly, I could have cared less about getting a new house that day.  I was too worried about SK.  Luckily her fever went back down within a couple days.  I remember praying that God wouldn't give us any more burdens right now because I was so overwhelmed with SK's fevers (terrified it would happen again), trying to get settled into the new house, it had just been the one year anniversary of losing August and I had a sinus infection. 

So, I did what any girl would do and call my mom to come and help out for a couple days.  The morning after she arrived, less than 2 weeks after the seizure, SK fell on the playground at Mother's Day Out and busted her head open.  She had only been there for 45 minutes!  After seeing how bad the cut was, we decided to take her to a plastic surgeon since the cut was on her forehead and we didn't want her to have to deal with an ugly scar on her face for the rest of her life.  The surgeon said the cut was so deep that it was through the muscle, almost to her skull.  The cut had to be stitched from the inside out.  Savannah Kate cried so hard that she actually put herself to sleep.  I could hear her screaming from the waiting room and I just felt so helpless.  It was another horrible day for Savannah Kate.  Now, I was begging God for nothing else bad to happen.  I needed a break.  5 days later, I found out I was pregnant.  Finally some good news!  But sadly our extreme joy didn't last long, because we found out the next day that it was just a chemical pregnancy.

When I didn't get pregnant in January, we were advised to start taking Follistm shots with the Clomid, since we had tried Clomid for 3 months unsuccessfully so far.  I couldn't believe I was having to give myself shots to get pregnant.  I'm only 30 years old!  And there didn't seem to be anything to blame for why I had miscarried and why I couldn't conceive now.

Out of the clear blue, on February 19th, SK pointed to my stomach and said "Mommy has a baby in there".  It was too soon for me to take a test that month, but it just seemed crazy, like she knew something I didn't.  The craziest thing about it is that we had never talked to her about babies, that they are in mommy's bellies or that we were wanting to have one. 

My grandmother and last living grandparent, passed away on February 23rd.  She had dementia and we knew her time was coming, but it was still very difficult.  We drove to Murfreesboro, AR to stay at her house with my family for the funeral.  It was so strange being in her house without Mammaw there.  As hard as it was, we all took comfort in knowing that she was no longer in pain and living in heaven.  I'll always think of her as a Proverbs 31 kind of woman :)

Mammaw with SK at 5 months

The day after the funeral, on February 27th, we found out that Savannah Kate was right - I was pregnant!  We were so excited.  Finally some good news!  We had lost August at 8 weeks, so I was pretty much a nervous wreck until after that 8 week sonogram.  By now, I had 2 sonograms that showed a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat.  I was able to start to relax.  Maybe even enjoy this pregnancy, we even started picking out names.  I was so happy that the "desert" season (which is how I remember much of 2012) I had been through seemed to finally be over.  I was released back to my regular OB for the sonogram at 10 weeks. 

On April 9, all three of us went to my OB's office for the 10 week sonogram.  I was excited for Savannah Kate to get to see the baby on the screen.  She had been talking about her so much (SK also said it was a girl).  I never even thought about the possibility that this could happen again.  We were already in the clear right?  After a couple minutes of my doctor's silence, I knew.  She was trying to hold back the tears as much as I was.  Then Savannah Kate started crying as if she knew too.  It was just an awful experience.  While Hunter took SK out to try and console her, I was left alone to schedule a D&C after getting a second confirmation of no heartbeat. 

Two days later, I went in for surgery.  I remember crying just before getting the anesthesia and crying again as soon as I woke up.  It was so hard to be in that hospital again, on the same floor where I had given birth to Savannah Kate.  Where we had made so many wonderful memories before.  But this time, I couldn't take our baby home with us.  I wasn't mad at God, I just remember being so incredibly sad.  It had taken us over a year to get pregnant, so I just couldn't believe we were going to have to start completely over.

We found out several weeks later that our baby was a little girl.  SK was right again!  She was tested, and was found to have no chromosome abnormalities.  That had been a possible cause for the miscarriage, so we were able to rule it out.  We decided to name her April, because that is when she became an angel.  I try to picture what she would have looked liked all the time.  I picture how Savannah Kate would have loved to hold her and kiss on her baby sister.  And gently pat her on the back like she does with her baby dolls.  We wanted April more than anything, but mostly so that SK would have a sibling to share her life with.

Since then I've spent a lot of time recovering, both physically and emotionally.  I've had some blood tests done trying to find a cause for the miscarriages and one test revealed that I have MTHFR (Methylenetetrahydrofolate Reductase) gene mutation.  I have one copy of the C667T variant, which means that my body doesn't process folic acid in the way that it should and it has increased my homocysteine levels.  Recurrent pregnancy loss has been linked to having MTHFR and elevated homocysteine levels.  Apparently there are studies that support that they are linked and others that show that they are not linked to miscarriages.  So, it's not a definite answer to why this happened, but it's all we have right now.  I'm taking extra folic acid and baby aspirin daily.  If and when we do get pregnant, I'll also have to take heparin blood thinner shots through the first trimester.

Next month, I'm having an HSG test which is an x-ray test that examines the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes.  I'll also be starting Clomid and Follistm shots once again. 

I know that this post is sad and focuses only on the bad things that have happened to us this year.  But please know that focusing on the negative is NOT what we are doing, that is what Satan wants.  Multiple times in the middle of the day I've asked Satan to go away from my thoughts!  And I think it's working.  Yes, we've had a terrible year so far, but we are not broken.  We've had so many great things happen as well.  We took a couple trips, Hunter threw me a surprise 30th birthday party (and I was completely surprised), we've seen answered prayer with Hunter's career and we moved into a house that we love!  We've learned so much about God and about ourselves during this time.  I've never had the desire to read and memorize scripture in the way that I do now, although I've pretty much always been a believer.  I've never felt so desperate to pray, sing and listen to sermons to get every once of knowledge that I can.  I've never understood what it was to totally rely on the Lord. 

This verse has been hanging up in my bathroom for 7 months and I read it every single day.  And every single day, I choose to wait for Him and place my hope in Him.

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."  The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him.  Lamentations 3:22-25  

Wait

Wait

by: Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

 

Blessings during suffering??

I have put off writing this post for several months.  In fact, I wasn't sure why I even had a blog anymore because I was having trouble with the idea of it being called "Blessings".  You see, when I first started this blog I had the biggest, most precious blessing of all growing inside me.  I loved filling up my posts with adorable pictures of my daughter for family and friends to see and writing about all the joy she brought me.  I had never been happier in my entire life - so it was pretty easy to see my blessings.

What about when it's not easy to see the blessings?  Or when the circumstances of life seem to be wearing me down more and more every month?  Can I still say, that I'm blessed?  Or that God is good?  It drives me crazy when I say "God is so good!" when something wonderful is going on in my life, because you almost never see me say that when things are not going so well.  But, can we really have one without the other? 

You can read just about any story in the bible and almost every single one has a mixture of both suffering and joy.  Somehow, no matter what, the "heroes" of the bible never lost hope in the midst of their trials.  They still said, "God is good".  I call them "heroes" because they are the ones we hear most about:  Abraham, Jacob, Moses, David, Paul and so on.  Actually, they were just normal people like you and I.  What made them so extraordinary was that they all followed God, no matter what He asked of them.

So, is it possible that I'm just a normal person that God has asked to follow Him, even in the midst of all this suffering we have had?  Of course!  Honestly, up until this point it has been pretty easy for me to seek God and His will for me - because it seemed to be a win-win for both of us.  Secondary infertility and the loss of two babies has tested my faith like nothing else in the world.  Not that I stopped believing in Him, I just had a really hard time believing this was best for me.  Why did He take my babies?  Especially when everyone else seems to have no trouble getting pregnant and getting to take their babies home.  And especially after losing August. 

Having Savannah Kate truly taught me the depth of God's love and the sacrifice he had to make for me by giving his only son.  Reading stories such as Abraham taking Issac to the mountain (Gen 22:1-19) make me so upset because I could never imagine being asked to sacrifice my only child, especially when that child had been promised.  Abraham had to wait 100 years to see that promise fulfilled and now God was asking him to kill his son?  That's crazy!!  Luckily, because Abraham was faithful God gave him a ram to use as a sacrifice instead and Abraham took Issac home.  There is so much to learn from Abraham's story.  Hadn't he already been through enough?  In my opinion, he had enough several chapters before this happened.  Through every ordeal that Abraham goes through, there is a common thread to the story.  He remains faithful, saying that "God is good" and God promises blessings.

Okay, so I know that I can't have one without the other.  This is part of being a Christ follower.  We are not promised that everything will always be hunky dory and that I'll always have the best, most positive facebook posts because of how great my life is.  But what I can do is: remain faithful, say that God is good (even though we are hurting right now), talk about my experience in hopes of encouraging someone else and remember to thank Him.  How can I be mad at God if I'm always thanking him? 

I'm not always full of hope, but it's still there somewhere.  I'm learning that its okay to have imperfect progress (thanks to "Unglued" by Lysa Terkeurst).  God is asking me to wait right now and to trust Him.  So, I'm gradually drawing nearer to Him.  I was blessed this month to have a bible study to join that is for women going through infertility.  Never thought I would be where I am right now, but it's so incredibly helpful to know that I'm not alone, that we can all share in our struggles together and pray for each other.

I have a lot to be thankful for.  If you have been on this journey with me, I thank you for all the prayers and for putting up with me during all the emotional ups and downs.  If you don't know all the details, I plan to do a follow up post with all the facts and where we are now.  I'm sure like many of you, I've read this verse thousands of times, but now it's like I'm reading it for the first time and I'm reminded of how good God really is.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declare the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"No Ho Ho"

"No Ho Ho" is what Savannah Kate was screaming during this picture.  As you can tell, she wasn't very fond of Santa.  Better luck next year!  I will have this framed every Christmas :)

Our Thanksgiving

Since we visited with our families a week before the Thanksgiving holiday, we decided it was best to stay home this year and have our own Thanksgiving with just the three of us.  Luckily, I got some practice while I was home cooking some Thanksgiving type meals!  I spent the entire day cooking by myself and I'm proud to say that it turned out great - we just had way too much food :) 

 

 

I can't take credit for cooking this turkey, it was a gift and pre cooked!

 

It was a happy Thanksgiving with so much to be thankful for!